Fat Mommy to Fit Mommy

Well, I met my new trainer "B" on Wednesday. She seems really nice. It's always hard to tell from the initial meeting. Our first workout is going to be on Monday, so I'll know more then. I was definitely more clear about my expectations and my challenges, and hopefully that will help.

However, I can tell you that since Wednesday, I've been having a really severe inner battle about all of this. It's been so hot out, and the idea of exercising in this heat has me very reluctant. I even went so far (in my head) to decide that I should put this off until the fall and start fresh then. Reasoning? 1) It's summer. I don't want to stress about this for the rest of my summer, including on my vacation (B said that she would plan me some workouts for my vacation, plus meal plans... how much fun is that?). 2) It's summer. It's hot (I HATE being hot). 3) My OCD brain likes certain times for starting projects. September is a huge starting point for me, thanks to 20 years of starting school in September. I'm GOOD at starting things in September.

Reasons not to wait? 1) I'll regret wasting an entire 5 weeks - 5 weeks x 2 lbs/ week = 10 lbs I could have lost. 2) I'll probably gain a few lbs too. 3) I may just find another excuse in September.

So, I sort of comprimised. I have stopped logging my food (with the blessing of B, at least temporarily until she figures out some meal plans etc for me), and though I'm still making efforts to make good choices, I will admit that I enjoyed a Big Mac last week, and we had pizza last night (albeit thin crust from Panago - only 150 cals per slice, love it).

AND! Drum roll please - last night I did one of my old workouts. Now, you have to understand, I've been swimming and walking, but I've been SO reluctant to do one of the workouts that L designed for me. Why? Because they're fucking hard and kick my ass. Even the earliest ones. B asked me to do 2 workouts before Monday... and so, last night, despite the oppressive heat and the pizza sitting heavily in my stomach, I somehow pushed through the million excuses my brain was offering me, and did it.

And it felt GREAT, even though I was sucking wind after 2 minutes and had to rest often to keep my heartrate (HR) within my zone. And, it was depressing to have to go back to 8lb weights (I was doing 10, 15 and 20 towards the end before I got preggo), and only 12 reps instead of 20, but I just kept reminding myself that in time, I'd get it back.

One really, really fabulous thing that I tacked onto the end of my workout: meditation. I sat my sore ass down on the stepper, and spent a full 2 minutes doing deep breathing. I pictured myself on skates (I'm DYING to get back on the ice), the feel of the ice beneath me, the crisp, cold air surrounding me, the amazing feeling of flying during a jump... and, I came up with a mantra.

I can change.
I CAN change.
I can CHANGE.


This is a really poignant mantra for me. I have long despaired that people cannot change. Many of my family members have been stuck in the same rut for decades. We're known to make the same mistakes over and over. Hell - look at my diary from when I was 10 years old: "I swear, this year I'm going to lose weight and be more tidy". 15 years old: "This is IT! This is the year that I'm going to lose weight, quit smoking, and keep my room clean for a change!"

Over, and over, and over again. For the record: I did not need to lose weight at 10 or at 15. In fact, I had a smoking-hot body until I was 20. Thank you, though, to those women (yes, it was women, not men) who convinced me that a size 10/12 was grossly obese. I'm sure I owe at least 30 lbs of this current fat to you, bitches!

WHEW where'd I go. Sorry 'bout that. Annnnnyhoo. Yeah, so I've always felt like I was never going to change. But then - I quit smoking. EVERYONE was shocked. For the record - I LOVE smoking. I know how insane that sounds. But I loved it. If it wasn't killing me, I would have smoked forever. But in Feb of 07, I started having really serious heart palpations. That's when I called Lindy for the first time, and I quit smoking the day of our first workout.

I've had a few since then - occasionaly while out with friends or something - but the urge to start has never really returned.

So I guess I can change. A little.

Well, one more workout to go (tomorrow) and then I meet with B on Monday. Went and bought Lili new skates today, and spent a few minutes looking longingly at the $600 pair that I'm going to buy once I get to that goal weight...

Luci needs me! Gotta run!