Fat Mommy to Fit Mommy

i really wish i had my damn scale right now.

i know - they're just numbers, no matter what i'm getting healthy, blah blah.

i guess i'm just not feeling much change. it's SO early, i know. i told B not to give my scale back until the end of august...

i'm working hard. i'm working out 5 days/week, and the workouts are going well. eating is going well too - sometimes i'll stray from my eating plan, and start to beat myself up - and then i realize that even my straying is far healthier than anything i was eating before. today, for example, we took the kids to the mall for some back-to-school shopping, and ended up eating lunch there. i wandered around for a few minutes, trying to figure out a half-healthy option. finally got a great sandwich - turkey with cheddar on whole wheat, lots of veggies too, plus 2 salads (fruit and some sort of veggie salad). but, i was still mentally berating myself for not bringing a lunch.

still, a far cry from what i would usually get.

i just wish i knew that this was producing results. other than the physiological ones.

yesterday, i took lili to her summer figure skating session, which runs all this week. with only 6 skaters on the ice for the evening session, it's pretty laid back at the rink. i stood at the boards, watching her skate, loving the cold air (oh my god, it was so nice to at a rink), the sound of deep edges in the ice, everything about it. i started, as usual, to dream about the feeling of flying around the rink, the feel of the ice beneath me... and then, out of nowhere, a voice next to me says "where are your skates? why aren't you out there?"

my old coach. what could i say? i'm not out there because i'm fat and out of shape. shit.

tonight when i did my workout, when i was meditating at the end, i focused on the sound that a sharp blade makes when it's carving out deep edges in the ice.

I WANT TO GET BACK ON SKATES! the day i hit 199, i swear to you, i'll be lacing up my skates. it'll be a cardio addition to my weekly workouts.

wish i knew how much (if at all) closer i am to reaching that goal... ack, yes, i know, must be patient. workout with B this week - second one, only - so hopefully she'll be able to light (another) fire under my (slightly less large?) ass.

in other news - i think i sprained my wrist (agony), and may have a stress fracture in my foot. i think i mentioned that one already. both are making me snappy and irritable, and i think it's finally time to see a doc.