Fat Mommy to Fit Mommy

end of bootcamp #1

2009-07-03T09:08:00.003-06:00

So much for regular updates!

Today was the final day of the first bootcamp session. I have been surprised by several things during this bootcamp...
1 - I really, really like getting up that early. I am far more clear-headed and energetic at 5am than I am at 8am. Strange. The only problem with this is the 4pm crash. And the fact that I can't make myself go to bed before 11pm. Too much to do!
2 - I love working out outside. I suspect this only applies to 6am though - I hate being hot, but 6am is nice and cool.

I managed to make it to 9/12 classes - which isn't that bad, considering the hell that is finding childcare for 5:30 in the morning. Thank you, mom, for sleeping over as often as you did! Most days it wasn't a struggle for me, but I'll admit that after a few late nights, I really had to force myself out of bed.

I loved bootcamp. Seriously, I did. I found that it's far easier than working with a trainer - of course - but I like the group dynamic and the fresh air. I worked hard - but I found that I really had to pace myself, more than I would during a personal training session, because you can't really just stop and catch your breath without holding everyone back.

Do I feel like I've lost weight? Probably not. My eating has been ok - I would say 75% good, 25% same-old-shit. Weekends are awful for me - I'm always out running errands, shopping, meeting with clients.

However, I did my cardio test today, and was able to run/walk about 2/3 of a lap further than 4 weeks ago. So that's good. And working out 3 days/week is better than 0, yeah? My problem is always that I feel if I'm not doing 5-6 days/week of intense workouts, I'm wasting my time.

SO - I'm focusing on just being glad that I'm doing something, and for the next session (starts in a week), I'm going to try and add 1 swimming class per week, and really focus on getting back in the kitchen - cooking!

So there you have it. After the end of the next boot camp session, I'm going to re-do my fitness test, and hopefully we'll see some weight change. I'm not even going to stress myself out about it until then though!

I'll try and update more often... yah, right!

Day 2

2009-06-09T21:10:00.002-06:00

Tomorrow is bootcamp #2. I'm dreading it... mildly. I'm looking forward to being done. In fact, I can't wait until the next 2 weeks are over, because I KNOW I'll start to feel great.

The eating thing has been going well. I'm aiming for 1500 calories, but yesterday I was at about 1650. Not bad. Today, I don't know. Probably close to 1700 - we had guests for dinner, and man, I can make a mean lasagna, amazing ceasar salad, and garlic bread that melts in your mouth. I gotta stop making that.

Otherwise I've been really careful. I do wish that the ladies at work wouldn't put the huge bag of chips directly behind my cubicle, and stand there and munch on them (loudly) periodically all day. Yikes!

Trying to stay positive and focused. It's hard - I can't do this and everything else. Some things are going to have to give. I just don't know what...

Here's hoping tomorrow doesn't kill me...

Day 1

2009-06-08T07:51:00.002-06:00

Well, today was officially the first day of getting back on the saddle, so to speak.

Bootcamp!

Try as I did, I couldn't get to bed early last night, but I'm pretty sure I drifted off to sleep just before midnight. Which seems to be ok so far - but I can pretty much promise that I'll be hitting a wall come lunchtime!

I also suffer from "can't be late" syndrome - so I set my alarm for 4am. I hit snooze until 5, and then I was up-and-at-them! as they say on the Simpsons.

Bootcamp this morning was just Karm and I and the two trainers - so really, very lucky for us, as we received one-on-one attention (or is that unlucky?). It was really nice workout out in the crisp morning air, and the workout itself was great!

However, I'm so mad at myself for what crappy shape I'm in! I'm trying not to dwell - in 2 weeks, things will start to improve, I hope - but it's still hard.

Anyways - I have to run to work now... The easy part is done, now I have the day ahead of me to try and resist all of the ridiculous crap that makes its way into the office every day (chips, dip, more chips, donuts, cake, etc etc).

Wish me luck!

M

All Rightie Then.

2009-06-03T18:47:00.004-06:00

I've been SO horrible. And now it's time to pay the price!

I forgive myself - I'm the busiest person I know - but I won't be so forgiving if I am writing this AGAIN next year.

July 1, 2007, I weighed 210 lbs - my lowest weight in 8 years. I worked HARD to get there. Really flippin' hard. AKA working out 5-6 days per week.

Well, la-di-da - here we are, much later, and 40lbs heavier. Add a third child to the mix, too. Plus my own business, and a full time job. And that's where we are now.

I have less time, less energy, and BONUS - I'm over 30, so the weight sticks to me like molasses.

Great.

HOWEVER - I have never backed away from a challenge. So, here we go again.

Next week I start Bootcamp, run by my lovely former-trainer and friend, L. I had so much success with her in the past - I'm hoping that she will be instrumental in my re-success. I know, not a word. Oh well.

So yeah. 6am-7am bootcamp 3 times per week. Yeah - early morning workouts for someone who hates mornings. BUT - my former workout time of 8pm doesn't work now either - I am absolutely DONE by that time, and have to devote those few hours before bed to the business.

Gah. I'm dreading it. I've signed up for 8 weeks total - that's 24 workouts. I'm hoping hoping hoping that only the first 2 weeks suck. I can do anything for 2 weeks.

My goal is to add one additional workout to that - be it swimming or a home workout - plus a walk with the kids.

Today I had my pre-bootcamp assessment. It sucked ass. Seriously, horribly humiliating. I'm hoping that going from fat to sorta-fit (which apparently meant nothing, cause I just got fat again... fatter, even) and BACK to fit will the last journey I have to take. I want to be able to close this damn blog down, in 1 year.
Yeah - so, the assessment... high heart-rate, 43 second plank (I used to do 3 mins), and best of all, 52% body fat. You heard me. SERIOUSLY? Fuck me.

I would love to say "it can only get better from here" but I know it's not true. My lifestyle - aka eating on the road all the time and being so freakin' busy that I can't take care of myself - could conceivably make this situation worse.

I have to change. I don't know how, but I have to.

Here's a whiny moment - I quit smoking (yay me!) and pretty much quit drinking, and now I get to quit eating. Don't even say it - I will never LOVE healthy food the way I love creamy, greasy food. So don't even go there. Anyways - I just want to have a vice, ya know? I'm always so damn GOOD. I obey the rules (well, my version of them, teehee). I do what I'm told. I provide for my family. I work as hard as I possibly can. I am kind to strangers. I try to be there for my friends an family.

So you'll forgive me if it pisses me off that I have no-where to rebel any more.

Sigh.

Ok. So I have a million reasons to DO this and only one pathetic one not to. I know. I know!

I'll try and blog about it as I can. Expect short, to-the-point posts (from me, ha).

4 more days until the first day of bootcamp. I'm dreading it.

I'm NOT dreading 3 weeks from now, when I hopefully will notice the first inkling of change...

My new mantra... nothing tastes as good as "fit" feels...

Blast!

2008-11-27T21:24:00.003-07:00

I'm back on track. Despite the triple-layer chocolate cake I just made from scratch and will not get to taste.

Yesterday I went to the gym! Yay me! Paid special attention to my knee, and it held up nicely. Did 35 minutes on the eliptical and just under 10 on the treadmill (had to stop because the gym closes at 9:00pm. Yeah, 9:00pm.) Burned 560 calories, all told.

Also, because I'm no longer nursing as much as I was, my trainer has reduced my over-all calorie intake to 1700.

I'm in mourning. However, I think that we'll start seeing some really fabulous results.

Just when things start to look up... I come down with a horrible cough/cold. No swimming for me tonight, although I really, really wanted to go. I know, however, I would have just ended up getting sicker in the long run.

I hate to lose the momentum, though, and so I'm going to try and make it to an early morning swim tomorrow and/or Saturday.

Provided I'm feeling better.

I'm also going to start experimenting with various healthy variations on my favourite baked goods. As soon as I find my camera, I'll try and post some photos, and I'll definitely post some recipes!

My new goal - get back down to 240 before Christmas.

700

2008-11-25T21:55:00.003-07:00

Metres. That's how much I swam.

I'm SO EXHAUSTED!!!!!! It was easier (already!) this week than last, but still, what a workout!

So glad I went. There are 3 new ladies in my class, all of whom are training for a triathlon... I'm proud to say that I was able to keep up with them, although doing so just about killed me. I'm a much better swimmer than any of them, but they are far, far FAR more fit than I. Makes it interesting, anyway.

I really do love swimming. I'm almost tempted to sign up for this class again... seems like by the end of the 8th and final class I'll be really into it. On the other hand, I'm thinking maybe I should try something different.

Anyone want to sign up for a pilates class with me, or something? Starting in January?

Eating today - was GREAT. I made good choices, and kept my focus.

Onward...

Meh.

2008-11-25T19:01:00.002-07:00

7pm, sitting at home waiting until 7:30 so that I can go to swimming.

I freely admit that I skipped Thursday's class. There is tired (like now) and there is completely-burst-into-tears-if-I-have-to-leave-the-house exhausted (like Thursday). I stayed home and cuddled with Ian. A choice I don't regret.

Today has been a good eating day. Didn't have time for breakfast so I had a protein bar (well, 1/2 of one). Yogurt and an apple for mid-morn snack. Chicken pita for lunch, with low-fat frozen yogurt for dessert. Bun with peanut butter and banana on it for mid-afternoon snack. Chicken stir-fry for dinner, vitalicious muffin for dessert. After swimming I will have some nuts/seeds and probably some beef jerky (high in sodium but also high in protein and low in calories...so sodium, too bad!).

All-in-all - not a bad day. Typically I have a much healthier breakfast but I ran out of time this morning (something that astounds me, considering I was up by 7, and didn't leave the house until 8:40...)

And now, swimming. As promised to myself. BUT - I will say that if tonight's class is not an improvement over last Tuesday, I'm going to substitute something else for these classes, whether it be swimming lengths, deep water workouts, or ??? So we shall see.

Today I was reminded that eating right and being successful is all about choice. It's all about making the RIGHT choice. For me, it's all about taking the time to THINK about my choices, and what they mean. And when you're living life in warp speed all the time as I do, sometimes slowing down to THINK about anything is a challenge.

Solution? Give choice a soundtrack. I've been working on training my brain to turn on a specific song in my head whenever I'm on the verge of making a poor choice simply by refusing to acknowledge the choice before me:

The song? Sabotage by the Beastie Boys. Specifically "Listen all ya'll this is Sabotage". Fits quite well.

Well, I'd better go. Wish me luck...

3 Way Mirrors, and why they SUCK

2008-11-24T21:40:00.002-07:00

Went clothing shopping today. It was great fun. Seriously. Really. I LOVE being stuck in a tiny room where every which way I look involves some seriously disturbing views of my post-third-baby body.

I left with a pair of jeans, a shirt, and some serious determination. Not only to lose weight, but to stop leaving the house like I'm invisible. Time to start paying more attention to how I look. Luci is 6 months old, it's time to get it together.

Step One: NO more fucking around - time to start eating right, and keep a food log.
Step Two: Knee or no knee - back to working out 5x per week.
Step Three: Dye hair. Since I can't afford to have my hilites re-done, I'm just going to cover it all and go darker.
Step Four: Cut hair. I'm just going to have to suck up the $50.
Step Five: New wardrobe. I went through my closet today and got rid of 2 huge garbage bags full of frumpy clothes. Now I vow to budget myself $50 per week for clothes - and hopefully I'll be going down a size or two each month.
Step Six: Vow to wear makeup at least 3 days per week.

Tomorrow is swim class again - (I missed Thursdays class in order to snuggle with my husband... I regret it, but I don't, ya know?)... here's my proposed schedule for the week:

Tuesday - Swim Class
Wednesday - Gym
Thursday - Swim Class
Friday - Walk
Saturday - Off
Sunday - Work out at home

Just Keep Swimming...

2008-11-19T16:14:00.003-07:00

I had my first swimming class last night. I was nervous about it - although I was a competitive swimmer as a teenager, it has been a long time since I worked on stroke improvement or swam in a class. In addition to my nervousness, I had to fight against fatigue - another sleepless night with Luci (4th in a row)... and, a very busy day! From teaching a clinic I rushed home, ate a quick dinner, packed up Cohen and went to his music lesson, rushed home, got changed, and drove to the pool.

Excuses were running through my head all day. I've been sick all week - surely, swimming would make it worse! My knee was bothering me more than usual - swimming would be a bad idea, don't you think?

But I sucked it up and went.

My class was larger than I expected - 12 adults. 3 males, 9 females. 3 "fat" ladies (myself included), 2 "fit" ladies, and 4 "average" ladies. 1 older male, 2 "fit" males. An interesting mix, to be sure! We were divided up into "non-swimmers" and "can at least swim halfway down the pool swimmers". I was in the latter.

My teacher - well, that was the unfortunate part of the night. My kids have been taking lessons at this pool for a year and a half, and have experienced many teachers - and the one I had last night was one of my least favourite. She talks about herself a LOT (the first thing she did, after introducing herself, was get us all to look in the office to see the flowers her boyfriend sent her. I may have rolled my eyes at that), and she speaks in a really condescending tone. Not just to us - to other instructors too! Further, I can tell that she sees this class as her "slack" class: lots of chatting, goofing off, and not a lot of instructing.

Other than that - I had a good time. I was surprised at how tiring it was to swim 25m - I had to stop and catch my breath after every 25m. Hopefully that will improve class after class.

Here is what our class included:
50m front stroke
50m front stroke with flutter board
50m back stroke
50m back stroke no arms (rolling shoulders)
50m breast stroke
100m own choice
50m cool down

Really - that's a LOT of swimming! It was great. I had a great workout. The teacher didn't bother with me at all - she had her hands full with the two "sinkers" in the class. She did come up to me at one point, with about 20 minutes remaining, and say "you're so quiet!". I replied (with a BIG SMILE) "well, I'm here to swim, not talk, hahah, plus, I'm pretty tired today!". She replied "well, you can leave early if you want".

Huh? I'm pretty sure what she MEANT to say was "well, good for you for being here, and feel free to rest for a few minutes, then get back out there and work hard!".

There is one other lady who is a very good swimmer, and it's a good thing, for me. She had no idea, but I was racing her the entire time. (And I won all but one of those). I am a competitive person, and it really helps me to have someone in the class who pushes me. As a result, I worked extremely hard, and my legs were like Jello when the class was over.

I'm glad I signed up for the class - it's nice to do something different! I am hoping that I have a different instructor for at least some of the classes though. I know I have good technique, but there are some strokes that I really need help on.

I am also SO excited that my oldest and bestest friend is going to join my gym (hopefully!). It is SO much easier to get to the gym when you have a friend to motivate and motivating you! My goal is to make it to the gym 2x per week while I'm doing swimming class, and 3x once the class is over. We're going together on Monday, and I can't wait!

Eating-wise - FINALLY went grocery shopping today. I can't believe how expensive it is to shop for a family of 5! Anyway, I planned 3 new recipes for this week, including 2 chicken recipes. If they work out, I'll post them on here.

I'm also making my famous Chili this week. This is a recipe that was passed down to me by my dad - and it's one that he perfected over many years of firehouse cooking. It's SO good that when I worked in the restaurant industry, we ended up adding it to the menu. I used to make it at home 3x per week, and bring it to work with me. Maybe I'll share it...stay tuned!

If

2008-11-15T21:38:00.002-07:00

If I had not stumbled, if I had not injured my knee, if if if...

It has been about 4 months since I started trying to lose this weight after the birth of my third child.

Assuming an average loss of 8 pounds per month (which is how much I was losing prior to becoming pregnant), I should have lost about 32 pounds by now.

Instead, I'm sitting at a loss of 10.

I have about 5 months left in my mat leave. 5 months. Again, assuming an average loss of 8 pounds per month, I should be able to lose 40 pounds.

A loss of 40 pounds would put me at 204 pounds.

This would mean that the month in which I celebrate my daughter's 5th birthday and my 31st, I could conceivably hit the magic number of 199. For the first time, incidentally, in about 9 years.

This would mean that I could conceivably celebrate my other daughter's 1st birthday weighing 67 pounds less than I did on the day I went into labour.

If, if, if...

Food for thought. So to speak.

I hate broccoli! (actually, I love broccoli)

2008-11-14T10:19:00.002-07:00

This week, I started focusing again on what exactly I am putting in my body. I tried to arrange my schedule so that I spend an hour or so in the afternoon preparing dinner. This has been very helpful and has made dinnertime less stressful - however, in order to do this, I've had to give up my afternoon nap.

Not so good. My 6 month old daughter Luci typically goes to sleep at 8pm. However, she wakes up to eat at midnight, and then 4am and every half hour after that until 8am. Of course, at 8am, I'm up getting my other kids ready for school.

Moral of the story - I desperately need that 30 minute nap. Either that or I'm going to have to up my coffee consumption from 1 cup to 3 cups per day! Which I don't want to do.

I don't know what the solution is. I suppose the first step would be to buy a deep freeze, so that I can prepare meals further in advance. I'm also going to have to suck it up and start eating chicken again.

You know how hard it is to eat healthy when you dislike a good amount of food? Here are some of the foods that I cannot stand:

All fish/seafood. (yeah, lucky me. i WANT to like fish, but i really cannot stomach it)
Cottage cheese (i do sneak it into my lasagna though)
Tomatoes
Onions
Cheese (i like cheddar and mozza only, fresh parmasan is all right)
Yogurt
Peppers (i use them for cooking/flavour, but don't eat them)
Avocado (i actually vomited the first time i ate this)
Milk
Anything "meaty tasting" - yes, i dip my steak in ketchup still, unless there is a fantastic peppercorn sauce handy
Anything with too much of a grainy texture. uh huh - whole grain bread, i don't like. i don't mind whole grain buns - something about the chewy texture makes this ok with me. maybe it's the different roles of bread and buns. beats me.
Ethnic food - i don't like thai, greek, japanese, east indian... yeah. i try, trust me, but nope. and really, i don't even like true chinese food - ginger "beef" (yes, i am not convinced it's really beef) is as far as i'm willing to go down that road.

That's just a sample. I am truly a picky eater. I think it's partially because I grew up in a house where plain food reigned supreme - my dad did not like heavily seasoned or flavourful food. a typical family meal would be fried ground beef (ketchup being the seasoning), plain baked potatoes and boiled green beans.

Nowadays, I like seasoning, but I still find that my taste is pretty plain. When I cook holiday meals for my family, they often grumble when they find that I've added some rosemary to the mashed potatoes, and they won't go near the lemon dill sauce that I make for the asparagus. And it is considered blasphemy that I actually SEASON my turkey before putting it in the oven.

Anyway - if I had to rate this week of eating, I'd give it about a 4/10. Next week needs to be better. Next week my swimming classes start. Despite my good intentions, I did not swim this week - I instead came down with a horrible cold. I have no intention of spreading it around the pool, for one, and for two, I don't want to get any sicker!

Here is a recipe for one of the better tasting dishes that I grew up on. Of course, the rosemary is my addition...

Pork Tenderloin with Stuffing

Stuffing:
5 slices white bread (you can use whole wheat, but it changes the texture)
1/3 cup butter or margarine
pinch of salt
pinch of pepper
1 TBSP poultry seasoning (this is the secret ingredient)

Melt butter in microwave. In a large bowl, tear up bread into medium pieces (about 10 pieces per slice). Add salt, pepper, melted butter, and poultry seasoning. Toss with hands.

Slice pork tenderloin down the centre lengthwise - but only cut about 1/2 way through the meat (this will open the meat up a bit but don't slice in half). Cover with wax paper or plastic wrap. Use a meat tenderizer and flatten meat to about 1 cm thickness.

Scoop stuffing onto meat, and fold edges of pork around the stuffing. Secure with twine or use toothpicks. I'll post a photo the next time I make this, but basically, think of a hot dog bun (the pork) and a hot dog (the stuffing). Terrible imagery for such a lovely meal but oh well.

Spring outside of pork with rosemary seasoning. Place in a casserole dish (I actually use a square stoneware baker). Cook in a preheated oven at 375F for 25 minutes. After 25 minutes, flip over and cook for 25 more minutes. If you have a good meat rack to place in the dish, you won't need to flip.

Slice and serve - each tenderloin typically serves 4 people. I usually make extra stuffing as it is extremely popular.

All right. Time to start thinking what to feed 4 kids, plus me and my husband for lunch!!!

I call bullshit!

2008-11-09T13:56:00.003-07:00

I've had enough of my own bullshit. My clothes aren't fitting, I won't leave the house without a jacket or something that hides my midsection, I feel like shit, and it sucks.

I can't go back to working out just yet (can't get in to see my family doc until December, did go see a walk-in doc (mistake), and she was less than helpful - "stop exercising"). However I VOW, SWEAR, PROMISE to get out there and swim 3x this week, plus one day of working my upper-body.

I also am BACK to eating better. At the very least, counting calories.

Here is an excerpt of the email I got from my trainer today:

"I am happy to hear you made it to the doctor. Hopefully he will be able to tell you something soon so we can get you active again. I am sure the inactivity is not helping you overall feelings. Don't get down on yourself Mary. It is devestating that things are not going the way you had hoped but one thing I love about you , that I saw in you the day I meet you, was your "don't give up attitude". I thought that if only all my clients could get a motivational speech from you they would be ready to go. Mary its a bump in your road that has been tricky to get over but you know what you are almost over it and the other side looks great!

Alright I will look forward to seeing your food intake summary soon, that way we can get you feeling great about yourself again! Mary one thing I will say is that you may feel right now that your goal is impossible but I am here to tell you it is not!!!! The reality of this, is that there does seem to be quite a few obstacles in the way that are slowing you down, but these obstacles would have come up if not now later so the great reality is that we are getting through your most challenging time right now and once we are through this you can say with confidence that it will only get better from here. Stay strong Mary!"

Gotta love her.

Time to stop sabotaging myself.

I'm the one who started this journey, I'm the ONLY one who can finish it.

Recently read a book (some forgettable fiction novel) and one line jumped out at me: "you can either choose to take control of your life, or you might as well give up".

Those who know me well, know that I am all about control. So maybe it's time to turn some of that control on myself, yeah?

Somehow I will find a way to do this despite the injury to my knee and my foot. I will.

Situation - Critical

2008-11-02T08:48:00.002-07:00

Things are not good. Need to get control again. Haven't seen my doc yet but knee is still driving me crazy. Have a horrible feeling that it's arthritis.

Meanwhile I'm eating crap and have probably put 5 pounds on in the last month. Grrr.

Something has to give... I can't keep up with everything AND dedicate myself to all of this healthy eating and working out.

M.

excuses, excuses.

2008-10-14T23:55:00.002-06:00

well, i've fallen off the proverbial bandwagon.

i'm working hard not to beat myself up for it. something had to give - it was too much pressure. i put too much pressure on myself - every day i'd wake up and think "i HAVE to work out. i HAVE to eat right". unfortunately, i'm busy to start with, and some days i wouldn't even get home until 9pm... and i just couldn't do it. i'd fall into bed, instead.

add to that a really bum knee - seriously, i'm pretty nervous about it. the last workout i did (10 days ago), well, it took me 4 days to recover and stop limping. and just when i thought it was safe to workout again, i went shopping with ian... and 20 minutes into it, i was in agony and limping again. good news is, i managed to convince the RN at my docs office to sneak my file in with luci's at her appointment next week. the bad news is, i just realized i have a clinic at the same time as the appointment. dammit!

of course, i never go halfway on anything, so instead of doing the SMART thing and going swimming, keeping up with the healthy eating... nope. i have been eating like crap (largely because i've been caught off guard several times... not realizing that i wouldn't have time between activities to go home and eat).

and so, friends, i've gained 3 pounds.

fuck.

i haven't met with my trainer in 2 weeks, due to illnesses and holidays etc. i'm meeting with her this week and i am hoping that she'll be able to re-inspire me. and hopefully my doc will have some solutions for my knee (and my foot, and my wrist... i'm terrified that he's going to tell me that the arthritis which has been largely dormant and isolated to my left foot has spread).

i just don't know where i'm supposed to find the time to work out. ian's been taking extra shifts whenever possible, and now i'm teaching here and there. i just don't know.

the thing is, the last 10 days have been terrible and great all together. terrible because of the guilt, and i hate that i've wasted 10 days (and ultimately about 2 weeks of working to lose that 3 lbs again). on the other hand, oh my GOD does it feel good to not have to worry about when i'm going to find the time to work out, etc etc.

just too much going on.

crappy thing - my swimming class starts in a few weeks. dammit! i was really hoping to be in great shape for that. well, not great, but good! maybe, once again, it'll provide some inspiration for me.

man i wish it was summer still.

well, the fun is over. time to buckle down and get back ON the proverbial bandwagon.

ps - congrats to my good friend crystal, who is down 10 lbs in 2 weeks (always round up, dahling!) keep it up... we have to do this!

m.

2008-09-18T11:17:00.004-06:00

holy swimming, batman!

tonight, on a whim, i escaped out of the house and went to a deep water workout class. it's been awhile.

new instructor. i notice immediately that the class is much, much younger than i'm used to - almost all under 35 i'd say. it occurs to me that perhaps the instructor is a tough one, so the older folks stay away. i don't give it much thought.

until about 5 minutes into the class.

at that time, i'm already panting, and have probably reached about 90% of my max heart rate. my legs are burning, and my arms feel like jello.

AWESOME.

she ran the class like a boot camp, and i loved it. it was also rather competitive (ok, maybe that was just me being competitive). she had as break into two groups, one on either side of the pool, and she'd give us a specific move to do for 3 or 4 or whatever lengths.

let me just say, that yes, i am totally bragging here, because i kicked ASS. i was probably the second "fattest" person in that pool... and there were even 2 quite fit men.

in 50 minutes of class, i completed each rotation first. in some cases, i had to wait 4 or 5 minutes for the rest of the class to catch up. i even had a chick - wearing a string bikini, no less (who does that for a DWW class? seriously?) ask me if i did speed before the class.

nope. and let me tell you - it wasn't easy. i was working as hard as i possibly could, and at times i really thought i was going to puke. (note to self: next time, wait more than 24 hours after having a stomach bug). but nothing, NOTHING spurs me on more than competition.

i feel like i should apologize for that, oddly enough. hell no! i am and have always been a competitive person.

anyways, by the end of the class i was absolutely exhausted. about halfway through i got a wicked tummy cramp, and then towards the end another cramp in my leg. didn't matter though. it felt GREAT.

i will be making a huge effort to attend her classes from now on. i think she does tues/thurs evenings... so if anyone is interested in a kick-ass workout, come join me!

i'm going to go pass out now.

How to lose 5 pounds in 2 days

2008-09-18T11:17:00.003-06:00

You heard me.

I caught the stomach bug from my kids, and though it was brief - 12 hours, pretty much, although I'm still rather off today - imagine my surprise when I stepped on the scale this morning.

238.

Now, in my defense, I did weigh myself the day before yesterday, and was pleased to see that I was down to 242. That pound I can take full credit for - even though my working out last week was down to 3 days. This week I got a great start - cardio on Sunday, Monday off, Tuesday Weight Training/Cardio circuit... and then sick on Wednesday, which of course proved to be the fastest weight-loss ever.

I'm no fool - I know I lost mostly fluid, and I won't be (too) upset if a few pounds come back in the next few days. But still - it's pretty cool to see the scale only 1 pound from my first goal. I plan on taking advantage and working really hard for the rest of the week. Weights today, cardio tomorrow, and then I think I'll hit the pool on Saturday.

Here's the other big change I've been doing - I've totally given up (for now) on keeping track of my food. I've been eating foods from my meal plan, but I also have enjoyed some greasy pub food, a bowl of KD, and a burger from McD's. I am not looking forward to telling my trainer - but for now, with how busy my life is, this is going to work better. I have a good idea of the calories in everything I eat, so I'm keeping track loosely in my head. If I feel it's getting out of control, I'll go back to careful tracking, but until then, I'm going to enjoy myself and see what happens.

harder than I thought

2008-09-15T21:58:00.002-06:00

well, we're a few weeks into september now, and i'm just trying to keep up. i've been hit with a few obstacles. the biggest one has been the stomach bug that cohen (and now perhaps lili) caught. that plus a few unusual events - lots of guests over the weekend, a birthday party, a stupid amount of volunteer work... and i feel as though i've lost my focus.

somewhat.

i only worked out 3 times last week, which SUCKS. and that included one particularily brutal workout with my trainer. it was a GREAT, tough workout - but i hadn't eaten enough that day (for example, i had a bowl of cereal for lunch... about 250 cals short of what i should have eaten), and ended up throwing up midway through the workout and passing out at the end of the workout. nice.

this week, i thought i'd start out strong - and so yesterday i went for my walk/run. even though i was rather annoyed that i forgot to charge my ipod. it was GREAT - in fact, it was definitely too easy. i've asked B to change the intervals for the rest of the week so that i'm running for longer.

however... i noticed yesterday a slight twinge in my right knee... well, that slight twinge has progressed into a really sharp pain. it comes and goes, but i can sense that i'm right on the verge of a bad injury.

dammit. i guess i'll be sticking to weight training this week. maybe some swimming.

as for eating... geez i'm all over the place. i think with my schedule so crazy, there is just no way i can track all my food all the time, for one thing, and for another, i think it's time to simplify. i need to go back to just following a daily caloric intake rather than logging protein/carbs/fibre/fat all the time. i know enough to try and include protein/fibre/carbs at every meal and snack - so i'm going to trust that and just keep track of calories.

i've been sorta bad this week anyways. i had one really off day - we were hung over (yeah, did i mention the 600 calories in beer?), which required mcdonalds. sorry, there is no other cure for a hangover. luckily, i usually do not drink so much. anyway, so the beer, the mcdonalds... and then cohen gets the stomach bug, and we're too busy cleaning up vomit to cook dinner... and so ian goes off to dairy queen and brings back dinner (ew) and, to top it off, ice cream cake (ew, but yum). after that, i headed off to the pub for a birthday, and have a caesar salad and another beer. and one potato skin.

f-word. it looks so much worse now that i look back at it.

which is all why i was determined to regain my focus this week. blasted knee.

the good news is, i've lost another pound. and i refuse to let the numbers get to me too much. i'm working hard, i'm eating much better (except for saturday) - eventually it will pay off. i'm really strong - B keeps telling me how amazed she is at my strength, but carrying 3 kids around will do that. now i just need to burn off some fat.

spoke to my original trainer this week, and she mentioned that when she was nursing, her body actually stored everything - which makes some sense. once she stopped nursing, the weight just fell off of her. so there's hope, i guess.

anyways. we're not even at full-business yet - some of the kids' activities don't start for another few weeks (like hockey, dreading that!). hopefully i'll get into the swing of things before too long.

also - realized that when i first started working out with J, on july 11, i weighed 255. i lost the 5 in the first week, so i haven't been counting that. but maybe i should. B tells me, also to subtract my vacation week and the week between trainers, and the week that she was gone. which would mean that instead of 9 weeks, we're looking at 6 weeks. totaling 12 pounds in 6 weeks. which is good.

i should also mention, ack, that the day i went into labour, i weighed 266. yup. so, that's 23 pounds gone. including the almost-9 pound luci, of course ;)

hanging in there. i keep telling myself to just take it day by day and it'll happen. a week will fly by, and then a month, and then 3 months, and 6, and suddenly i'll be under 200 pounds. i just know it.

day by day.

why i hate scales

2008-09-07T09:34:00.002-06:00

so after my excitement about losing 10 pounds, i had a nice fat reality check.

i weighed myself on MY scale.

244lbs.

meaning - i lost only 6 pounds, not 10.

i was depressed for an entire day. and i'll admit, in the last few days i'll get this overwhelming sense that i can't do this. that it'll take forever to lose this weight... especially when it's supposed to be easier in the beginning... especially when the weight is supposed to melt off while you're nursing...

sigh.

however, i keep telling myself - no matter what, i'm getting healthy. i'm eating mostly whole foods. lots of fruit and veggies and protein and fibre. and i'm workout out 4-5 days per week. i am no longer a smoker...

basically, i've changed my entire life around.

and let's be honest - my trainer told me to stick between 2200 and 2500 cals per day... and i've definitely been leaning towards the 2500. maybe it's time to stick closer to the 2200 mark.

hopefully the next few weeks will show some better results.

in other news - i started my new training program this week. 2 weight training days, and 3 strictly cardio, plus one day of "my choice" (aka swimming). for cardio, i can choose between 2 gym workouts - one on the eliptical and one on the treadmill, or 1 walk/jog. i'm not feeling quite confident enough yet to do the gym thing... so this week i gave the walk/jog a try. now, you have to understand, i hate jogging. with arthritis in my left foot, it's not always painless for me. although the arthritis is mostly in remission these days (flares up occasionally), my feet don't respond that well to high-impact exercises. however... losing weight will help.
so.

it was a REALLY easy workout, in some ways. i had to keep my heart in my target zone - not always easy when walking. basically, i walked for 5 minutes, ran for 30 seconds, walked for 3 minutes, ran for 30 seconds, and repeat... for 30 minutes, and then a 5 minute walking cool-down. i was worried i'd have to power-walk instead of running, but i did just fine. in fact, i think i could probably run for a minute instead... but i'm going to keep it like it is for a few weeks, get my legs under me so-to-speak. all told, i only burned 403 calories, but it was great to get some fresh air.

so here we go... trying to keep my chin up, trying not to let my negative thoughts sabatoge this experience.

and yet, here it is, sunday night - girls night at the pub! salad, here i come!

Update

2008-09-04T11:03:00.003-06:00

Yesterday I had workout #3 with B. We discussed my new workout plan - which entails 3 cardio days/week (to be done through walking/jogging, or the eliptical at the gym), plus 2 strength training days. We went through the strength training together last night - I really enjoyed it. She showed me several totally new moves, which always gets me enthused.

She did, however, forget to bring my scale. Too funny. However, this morning, when I picked up my niece, I borrowed my brother's scale.

So - after a month (and a little bit... about a week), I have lost 10 lbs.

This is good - in fact, I was hoping for exactly that. I will admit, that I felt some disappointment when I saw the numbers though. I was secretly hoping for 237 - which is my first goal. But then I had to remind myself - the week we went on vacation, I was TERRIBLE! Seriously. I don't think I blogged much about it - but think fast food every day. And, because of course in my mind I knew it'd be a LONG time before I'd be doing the fast food thing again, I really, really went all out. Think value meal, plus another burger. Think 3 scoops of ice cream.

So, I am ultimately thrilled with a 10 pound loss. I do want to get my hair done in the next two weeks, so I'm going to step it up, and hopefully I can lose 3 pounds in the next 10 days.

I also had Ian take my monthly photo, which I'll post later today. Funny, I never posted monthly pregnancy shots, because I was too ashamed of my body... but here I am, posting rather revealing, unabashedly fat photos. Getting thinner though.

During the workout yesterday, B mentioned that she could see a change in me already. I admitted that yes, I'm feeling stronger and more energetic, and I can only imagine how great it'll feel at my goal. She said "Isn't it great, and you'll totally get there, how amazing!"

It struck me then - she's the first person who has just come out and told me that I WILL reach my goal. Not that I "might" or I "could", just that I "WILL".

That's a great thing to hear from a trainer.

Progress

2008-08-31T22:13:00.001-06:00

Today, I went to get changed and realized that I had pulled down my jeans without undoing the button.

and the verdict is...

2008-08-30T14:51:00.002-06:00

Postponed!

B and I postponed our workout until Tuesday morning. I'm ok with it.

I had a great week of workouts. I got 5 in, which always makes me feel like some sort of super-hero - with our busy household schedule, it's a miracle. Credit to Ian, who is always willing to let me disappear for an hour to do my thing.

I did a deep-water workout this week too, and there was a really great instructor, which always makes a world of difference. Plus, I was super-into it - and with water workouts, you decide your own level of resistance, so if you're pumped up, you can get a FANTASTIC workout. It is, however, easy to just relax and not work hard, so I try to really be vigilant about pushing myself.

I'm starting to notice some big differences, now that it's been a month. I am starting to fit back into some of the clothing that I wore pre-pregnancy. I'm noticing some great definition in my arms, and under the fat, I'm sure I've got a 6-pack going on!

I know from experience that I'm going to start seeing some great definition in my legs next, and some general shrinkage all over. I can't wait.

I'm really hoping that I've made it to my first goal of 237lbs. Not just because it's great to reach goals... but also because I desperately need a haircut! And, if you remember, my reward for reaching the first goal was getting my hair cut/highlighted and styled...I think, anyways. I'll have to check back!

Eating is still going well. The last few days I've abandoned the meal plan, mostly because things have been chaotic and I ran out of a lot of the food items. However, I pretty much stuck to the foods I knew were on the plan, just mixed up the days. I'm pretty sure that I've been falling way short in the calorie department, but what can you do. I've also been allowing myself some foods not on the plan (for example, tonight Ian is making steak sandwiches, and I'll have one (but just one) plus salad and veggies).

And, I will admit, I made Chocolate Chip cookies from scratch with Lili and Julia yesterday, and I did test one. Just one though. Probably 400 calories, but life is too short to pass up homemade cookies. I'm proud that I only ate one. Thank god the kids, Ian, my neighbors and my dad ate the rest, so I don't have to face any temptation anymore!

Almost time

2008-08-27T21:40:00.002-06:00

Tomorrow I'm meeting with B again. She's formulated a complete workout plan for me, which is exciting. I'm always happy to try new things, and as I get fitter I find I'm definitely more open to different activities. I love new challenges. One of my upcoming challenges is the swim class I signed up for (doesn't start until November, which gives me lots of incentive to work hard until then). Basically it's a class working on stroke technique - but it's 3 levels in one class, from beginners to expert. So - if anyone wants to sign up, it's just twice a week for one month! Let me know if you're interested...

Also, Glenmore pool has this fantastic program, apparently. My neighbor told me about it - Tues/Thurs mornings, you can bring your kids, drop them off at daycare there, and then at the pool there are three coaches on deck and they present 3 different workouts (easy/medium/hard), and they basically coach you through the workout for an hour. At the end of the hour, the daycare brings your kids to the pool deck, all changed, for a family swim!

What a great idea. I think I'm totally going to try and get there a few times per month.

Tomorrow, B is bringing my scale, and Friday I will get to weigh myself. I'm excited, but also preparing myself mentally for whatever happens. Even if it's a small loss (2-5lbs) I am trying to tell myself to keep positive. I'm doing LOTS of resistance training and weights, so I'm probably putting on some weight in muscle. I also had my vacation week in there, so that probably affected things as well. I can tell you that my clothes are starting to fit better - in fact, the other day I tried on a skirt, and it fit great. In fact, it was a little loose. Anyway, when I took it off later, I realized that it was a full size smaller than I normally have been wearing since having Luci. Hooray!

Eating is going well. I'm slightly bored of the meal plan, so I'm switching it up whenever I want. I have some favourite dinners, for example, so I tend to go with those more often. My favourite meal is always breakfast - lots of eggs, english muffins, waffles, juice, and fruit. All things I love. I can tell you I'm tiring of yogurt. I don't miss greasy food at all (ok, except for maybe today, when I'm a little hung over). I do miss sugar a little, but when I really want it, I just grab one of the 100 calorie chocolate bars and that's good for me.

I have to say, I'm pretty impressed with myself. Even last year, working with Lindy, I did not follow any meal plan! I was still eating fast food every day (mostly at work), and just counting calories, not paying attention to content at all. This is such a huge difference. I can feel the difference. And I'm learning how to just make decent choices. Today, for example, we ended up taking Lili back-to-school shoppping, and of course, did the food court for lunch. As much as I would have liked to treat my hangover with a greasy burger, I opted for a 1/4 chicken (white meat) with a side of steamed veggies. I admit I stole a piece of ginger beef from Lili (Kung Fu food, she calls it), but one was enough. And at home, if I don't feel like checking the meal plan, I know to try and plan a snack that includes carbs, fibre, and protein.

The one thing that does suck, is drinking! Last night I pounded back 6 beer (I was determined to get drunk - I've tried several times with no success, and darnit, I really wanted to lose control for a little while, while playing Rock Band with the girls and Ian!). That's 600 cals, tada. So unfair. Oh well - it's like I'll be doing that often, and I did work out just prior (burned 550 cals, so there), and frankly, Rock Band is a mini-workout on its own, especially on drums!

Ok, I should be folding laundry, not typing! One month gone, in 5 more I should hit the below 200 mark!!!!

M.

In Search of Cereal

2008-08-23T21:18:00.003-06:00

I love cereal - cold. I'm not an oatmeal person, though it is in my mealplan 1x per week. My favourite cereal is Raisin Bran. However, my nutritionist pointed out that when choosing a cereal, you want to make sure that at worst, the amount of sugar in the cereal is less than double the amount of fibre. At best, they should be equal.

My problem is, I find most of these cereals to taste like cardboard. I'm considering doing the mix'n'match thing - mixing a higher sugar cereal with Fiber 1 or the like - but I'd rather just find something tasty and yummy.

Any suggestions out there?

(Actually I lied - my favourite cereal is Jordon's Morning Crisp (thanks Heidi, you showed this to me about 2 years ago). As a granola-based cereal, it's very high calorie though, so I only allow myself to indulge in it every few weeks. At $7-plus dollars per (small) box, that's practical too.)

New Find

2008-08-23T21:16:00.002-06:00

After a very expensive shopping trip to Safeway today (my meal plan typically runs about $190/week, plus extras for the family...) I have discovered a great alternative to the potato chip. Now, Heidi had shown me a different type of these a few weeks ago (which were ok tasting) but these really taste like chips, just with the lighter "puff" texture.

I'm LOVING this new brand - "Eat Right". I've been enjoying their waffles for awhile, and now I'm 100% sold on these potato puffs.

23 chips, 110 calories... and 23 was enough for me!

Session #2

2008-08-23T13:12:00.001-06:00

I had my second workout with B today. It was good - definitely got me moving! We focused on my back and chest today. Burned a good 600 calories. She's working on a weekly workout plan for me now that she has a better idea of what my strengths and weeknesses are. I'm looking forward to it - I am nothing if not good at following schedules!

Food-wise - I'm off to do the grocery shopping today. I'll admit, there were a few times this week that I strayed from the plan. My dad took me out for lunch this week, and I had a Beef Dip with salad... which, at most restaurants, runs about 600-700 cals... well, turns out that at Boston Pizza, it's more like 1000. Nice. Oh well. I still ended up only 300 cals over at the end of the day.

I think I'm going to have to allow myself one day of non-planned meals. Without going crazy, obviously.

Anyways... we're meeting again on Thursday, and I will be asking her to bring the scale. I won't weigh myself until Friday morning though. Hopefully there is good news. I'd be happy with an 8-10lb loss.

That means, this week I'll be updating my photo as well... probably too early to see much change, but hopefully NEXT month there will be a big difference.

desperately weighting...

2008-08-19T23:59:00.003-06:00

i really wish i had my damn scale right now.

i know - they're just numbers, no matter what i'm getting healthy, blah blah.

i guess i'm just not feeling much change. it's SO early, i know. i told B not to give my scale back until the end of august...

i'm working hard. i'm working out 5 days/week, and the workouts are going well. eating is going well too - sometimes i'll stray from my eating plan, and start to beat myself up - and then i realize that even my straying is far healthier than anything i was eating before. today, for example, we took the kids to the mall for some back-to-school shopping, and ended up eating lunch there. i wandered around for a few minutes, trying to figure out a half-healthy option. finally got a great sandwich - turkey with cheddar on whole wheat, lots of veggies too, plus 2 salads (fruit and some sort of veggie salad). but, i was still mentally berating myself for not bringing a lunch.

still, a far cry from what i would usually get.

i just wish i knew that this was producing results. other than the physiological ones.

yesterday, i took lili to her summer figure skating session, which runs all this week. with only 6 skaters on the ice for the evening session, it's pretty laid back at the rink. i stood at the boards, watching her skate, loving the cold air (oh my god, it was so nice to at a rink), the sound of deep edges in the ice, everything about it. i started, as usual, to dream about the feeling of flying around the rink, the feel of the ice beneath me... and then, out of nowhere, a voice next to me says "where are your skates? why aren't you out there?"

my old coach. what could i say? i'm not out there because i'm fat and out of shape. shit.

tonight when i did my workout, when i was meditating at the end, i focused on the sound that a sharp blade makes when it's carving out deep edges in the ice.

I WANT TO GET BACK ON SKATES! the day i hit 199, i swear to you, i'll be lacing up my skates. it'll be a cardio addition to my weekly workouts.

wish i knew how much (if at all) closer i am to reaching that goal... ack, yes, i know, must be patient. workout with B this week - second one, only - so hopefully she'll be able to light (another) fire under my (slightly less large?) ass.

in other news - i think i sprained my wrist (agony), and may have a stress fracture in my foot. i think i mentioned that one already. both are making me snappy and irritable, and i think it's finally time to see a doc.

so much for that.

2008-08-15T22:56:00.002-06:00

well, i'm back. we came back a few days early, as we were both terribly homesick and figured that a few days home without any extra kids to watch was probably a good thing.

i'm glad for another reason - it means that i can get back on the wagon sooner rather than later.

yeah, vacation was a wash. we cooked a few meals, but mostly we were eating on the run. and i totally admit, after day one, i basically decided "fuck it" and went back to my old habits.

as for working out - i did bring my free-weights with me, but honest-to-god needn't have bothered - i was lugging 20 lbs of crap with me everywhere we went. not to mention carrying luci around. i did some swimming as well. on the very first day, however, i did something really stupid - i sprained my thumb and did god-knows-what to my shoulder. pulled something. how? reaching into the back seat to search for luci's soother. 20x, i swear, in the first 4 hours of our trip. so i'm sorta crippled right now, which sucks. i'm seriously hoping that one night's sleep in a comfortable bed (don't even get me started on the bed we were stuck with... let's just say the back spasms are finally dissapating) will go a long way towards healing the shoulder.

so, the verdict is... i'm back at square one. the good news is, i don't have a scale, so i'll never know how much of the previous week's hard work i managed to flush down the toilet in the last 5 days. argh.

well, i refuse to feel guilty. what's done is done, and the important part is that i jump right back into things. which means working out tomorrow (heidi, i need my bosu back!), and getting to the grocery store pronto. and meeting with B, and admitting to my offenses :(

my favourite indulgence, in case you're wondering, was ice cream. the temp was around 38 degrees all week, so most nights we'd wait until the sun went behind the mountains and then we'd all walk into town for some locally made ice cream. i'm a sucker for banana ice cream, i'll admit it.

oh well. tomorrow is another day... and it's almost september, which currently scares the crap outta me. but it'll be good, i can get into something of a routine...

pics will be posted on the family blog, here!

On Vacation, truly!

2008-08-09T23:15:00.003-06:00

Well, in just 5 hours we'll be leaving for our first real vacation ever! SO excited. Only downside so far is that I was unable to workout yesterday or today - simply too much prepping to do, taking 3 kids on vacation! So that sucks - but I figure that I probably burned off about 600 calories each day anyways, running around, carrying luggage, groceries etc. I barely sat down either day.

Today was the first day that I totally ignored my meal plan. Most of the food I ate today was grabbed quickly and consumed while standing. I tried to grab mostly foods that were on the meal plan earlier this week, but I'll admit that some weren't.

Originally I planned on printing my meal plan and bring along all the groceries I would need to follow it whilst on vacation. Then I thought,

Fuck that.

Although I in no way wish to undo all of the hard work I've accomplished in the last 2 weeks, I also don't want to be stressed out and miserable on vacation. Not having to prep food is half the fun of holidays.

So, I'm truly on vacation. I promise to make good choices more often than not (salad rather than fries etc), I'm bringing my free weights and vow to get at least 2 workouts in (not to mention the fact that we'll be swimming/cycling/walking all week)... but I also promise to enjoy a Big Mac at least once, order dessert on my anniversary, and drink beer with no guilt.

I am fully aware that I am going to have to kick it up a notch when I get home, and I'm ok with that.

So - we'll see ya'll in a week!

My Journey - Your Journey

2008-08-06T23:50:00.002-06:00

I got to thinking today - and absolutely you do not have to be a mommy to participate in this blog! I named it Fat Mommy to Fit Mommy because that's MY journey - my identity right now... but as I said in my first post, this can be Fat Friend to Fit Friend or Fat Wife to Fit Wife or even Slightly Overweight Girl to Fit Girl.

My only conditions are: you cannot participate if your BMI labels you as being in the low side of "normal" or "underweight". Seriously. I'd love to have your comments (cause clearly, you people are doing something right), but I'm keeping the contributor (aka those who can actually post) list exclusive to those who have something to lose.

So, if you know anyone who has a journey of their own in progress, or is thinking about it... feel free to send them in this direction. I know - hard conversation, eh? "Hey Jane, since you're fat, you might enjoy this blog".

Ahem. I know. AWKWARD! However... remember my first post? Although I LOVE and ADORE all of my friends and family who have not said a word to me about my weight as I slowly gained 100lbs in the last decade, I think perhaps an intervention was in order. In a way I'm grateful - I had to get to this point on my own. But, I do feel that it's because I felt so alone that it went on this long. So, if you know anyone out there who may be feeling alone with their fat...

I'm sure you can find a subtle way of bringing it up.

Not that there are any miracle solutions on here - one thing I can tell you, I have never tried any "diet" or "pill" or miracle cure for being fat. I've always known that the only solution was changing my eating habits and exercising. I just chose not to do it... I don't know which is worse!

Hard work. It all comes down to hard work and determination. And, I find - taking it day by day. No more, no less. I just have to do what I have to do each day, and trust that I'll get some results...

PLEASE GOD LET ME GET SOME RESULTS. LOL!

All right. I'm outta here - Heidi is coming over tomorrow morn for a workout! Then I'm meeting with an academic advisor regarding the rest of my life. No pressure!

Sleep well everyone, and drink your H2O!

Vita-holy-god-these-are-good!

2008-08-06T17:56:00.002-06:00

Found these at Safeway, tried the Deep Chocolate VitaMuffin... De-licious!

Check these out!

Nutritional info for my muffin:

Per 1 muffin:
100 Calories
1.5 g fat
0 mg cholesterol
140 mg sodium
18g carbs
7g fiber (un-f'ing-believable)
11g sugar
4g protein

They are GOOD, and FILLING!!!!! I'm sold.

Not Gonna Happen

2008-08-06T17:54:00.001-06:00

Ok, so I really don't like ground turkey.

Too bad. I wanted to like it, I really did.

Last night, I was beating myself up pretty badly in my head. See, by the time Ian got home from work, it was almost 7... and neither of us wanted to cook. So we went to Wendy's. I had the Chicken Mandarin salad, without the noodles or almonds (only cause they forgot to give me any) and with the low fat ranch dressing. But still, I felt horrible afterwards.

Funny, this coming from someone who, only a few weeks ago, could eat a Big Mac mindlessly.

I also chose to not work out yesterday, as my abs were killing me, and I figured I needed a day of rest. Felt somewhat guilty about that too!

Guilt complex, anyone? Sheesh.

Week Summary

2008-08-03T21:50:00.002-06:00

Whew, the week is over. Workout-wise - a huge success. I got 5 workouts in - 1 with the trainer, 2 cardio workouts, 1 weight training, and a lovely walk.

Eating-wise - not entirely great, but we're on the right track. Today I followed my meal-plan. It was pretty challenging, as Ian and I were out running errands getting ready for our trip. I had to remember to pack my snacks, and we had to take a detour home to eat lunch, which was a pain. I also had to make my meals separate from what the rest of the family was eating. This won't happy that often, but there is just no way my kids will eat that much chicken!

Anyway, I'm happy that I was able to follow it, but I'm slightly worried, as everything is always easier when Ian is home - and after tomorrow, he is back at work for a tour. Hopefully, if I plan ahead enough, I'll make it work.

Of course, with all this focus on eating/working out, I've been neglecting my math book. The new laptop hasn't helped - I'm still in awe of it and want to spend lots of time with it! Well, I plan on taking my math on vacation with me, and hopefully I'll at least get through the 7th grade.

Why am I talking about this on a fitness blog? Because that's part of the challenge - don't you think? Finding a way to fit everything into your life.

Along those lines - I'm pretty scared for September. Busy doesn't even begin to describe how things are going to be then. Well, I just have to keep myself a priority - even if I have to get up at 6am to work out, or do it at 10 at night.

Thanks for all the suggestions! I'm hoping to incorporate some of them into my meal plan soon!

M

PS - Heidi - come over soon and you can do a workout with me. It'll probably be easy for you but you can adjust the difficulty with extra reps and/or higher weights.

2008-08-02T22:27:00.003-06:00

See how much better at blogging I am when I have a laptop!

Two things:
1 - chose to do the more difficult cardio workout today - one of L's original workouts. Did it first thing this morning and WHEW damn did I feel good getting that done.
And what a fabulous workout. 620 calories burned!

2 - I highly recommend Kellogs Snack Bites. I've tried both the cinnamon and the strawberry flavors. A little high in sugar but wicked-fibre. And they taste great.

Check out the details:

I also want to recommend Pillars Turkey Bites (they are like pepperoni sticks). I slice these up into bite-sized pieces, slice up some low-fat cheese, and stick them with a toothpick - my kids eat them like there is no tomorrow. (I call them pepperoni sticks around my kids...) Each Turkey Bite has only 50 calories. A little high in sodium, but that's what I like... mmmm salt. A decent protein snack, especially when paired with cheese. Add a high fibre cracker to it, and it's a great snack.

Nutrition Facts
Per 1 sausage (28 g)

Amount
Calories/Calories 50
Fat 3.0 g
Saturated 1.0 g
Trans 0 g
Cholesterol 20 mg
Sodium 280 mg
Carbohydrate 1 g
Fibre 0 g
Sugars 0 g
Protein 6 g

Please please please feel free to post your own recommendations - I am always looking for great recipes and snack ideas. Even if you aren't a contributor officially or a mom or fat. Post away!

Quizno's is EVIL

2008-08-02T19:21:00.002-06:00

Why? You ask...

Well, they refuse to publish their nutritional information. I dare you, next time you are there, ask.

However, after MUCH searching, I finally found somewhere that has the information - and MORE! I used to use Calorie-Count.com for this stuff, but wow is my mind changed. FINALLY I could look up the calories in a slurpee...

Anyways, I recommend it, especially for finding out nutritional info for restaurant stuff. In case you're wondering - what I've done is printed out the nutritional info for all of my usual haunts and basically any restaurant that I may visit, organized them into a binder, and I keep it in my car. That way, if I do HAVE to stop and grab a bite, at least I know what the best choices are.

Anyway, check this out:

My Meal Plan - Day 1

2008-08-02T07:51:00.001-06:00

Check it out:

Breakfast:
8.0 ounce(s) Orange juice - 100% pure , Tropicana
1.0 each Banana - med 8"
0.5 cup Milk - 2%
0.5 1 cup Cereals ready-to-eat, KELLOGG, KELLOGG'S RAISIN BRAN
2.0 each Egg Whites - scrambled/boiled
1.0 1 cup (8 fl oz) Tea, brewed, prepared with tap water, decaffeinated
2.0 1 cup (8 fl oz) Water, municipal

Totals for Breakfast 82.03 grams/carbs 14.84 grams/protein 3.71 grams/fat 411.17 calories

Snack:
6.0 ounce(s) Yogurt - Dannon, Extra Smooth, all flavors
2.0 each Cheesestring
Totals for Snack 1 32.73 carbs, 18.82 protein, 10.73 fat, 300.00 calories

Lunch:
8.0 1 large Carrots, baby, raw
4.0 ounce(s) Chicken Breast / White Meat
0.5 1 cup, diced Celery, raw
0.5 cup Cucumber - raw, slices
2.0 1 cup (8 fl oz) Water, municipal
2.0 1 slice Bread, white, commercially prepared, toasted
6.0 fluid ounce(s) Vegetable juice - V8, no salt
1.0 table spoon Mayonnaise - low fat
1.0 1 leaf Spinach, raw
Totals for Lunch 49.37 carbs, 32.83 protein, 4.66 fat, 373.62 calories

Snack:
1.0 1 oz Peanuts, all types, dry-roasted, with salt
0.5 1 cup Peaches, canned, juice pack, solids and liquids
1.0 1 cup (8 fl oz) Yogurt, plain, skim milk, 13 grams protein per 8 ounce
0.5 1 cup, halves Strawberries, raw
Totals for Snack 2 45.14 carbs, 21.97 protein, 14.61 fat, 380.32 calories

Dinner:
1.0 2 tablespoon Salad dressing, KRAFT LIGHT DONE RIGHT! Italian Dressing
1.0 1 cup Rice, brown, long-grain, cooked
2.0 cup Green salad w/ raw vegetables
3.0 table spoon Salsa - Chunky medium, Pace
1.5 0.5 cup Asparagus, cooked, boiled, drained
7.0 ounce(s) Chicken Breast / White Meat
3.0 1 cup (8 fl oz) Water, municipal
Totals for Dinner 61.69 carbs, 57.56 protein, 9.51 fat, 565.85 calories

Snack:
1.5 table spoon peanut butter reduced fat
1.0 each Apple - medium with peel
Totals for Snack 3 32.25 carbs, 6.30 protein, 9.50 fat, 223.50 calories

TOTALS for DAY 1 Energy Booster:

303.21 carbs, 152.32 protein, 52.72 fat, 2254.46 calories

If anyone is interested, I can post the full 7 days worth... Obviously, this is designed for me specifically - and I'm nursing. So for anyone else, you'd have to subtract 500-700 calories. Actually, I still have my 1600 calorie energy booster meal plan too, could post that.

I'm going to give it a shot. I can't help but wonder what the kids are going to eat, because no way will they stand for chicken this often!

Stupid Cheesy Garlic Toast

2008-08-02T06:58:00.003-06:00

I've been doing pretty well lately... "B" has my caloric intake set at 2200-2500, which is actually doable, especially since I've gotten rid of all of my "low cal" crap. I also had a decent week (so far) working out:
Monday: worked out with B. 550 calories burned
Tuesday: did one of my old workouts. 505 calories burned
Wednesday: went for a great, fast walk with Luci: 430 calories burned
Thursday: took a day off.
Friday: reluctantly took another day off (due to sore throat and headache, did not want to over-exert myself and get sick)

Today (Saturday) I will do "B"s workout again, and tomorrow I will do one of my old ones. So, 5 days of workout out this week.

B wants me doing 3 weight workouts per week and 2 strictly cardio. This means that I have to get to the pool and swim lengths, and/or get to the gym and get on an eliptical. I'm not sure I'm ready to get back to the gym just yet. Maybe. I find that if I go around 8pm, an hour before closing, it's pretty much deserted, so maybe I'll try that.

So, everything was going well. My eating still needed some tweaking - I am still falling short in the protein area and going over in the fat area - but I knew she would have my meal plan ready soon. And then...

My Dad took Cohen and Lili for a sleepover last night, so Ian took me to dinner. It started out well - we decided against the oh-so-convenient Boston Pizza (ever check out their nutritional information? It's scary.) and headed to Montana's, where I knew at least I could find some chicken.

I decided on the Chicken Fajita's with rice. Not a bad selection it turns out (I checked nutritional info once I got home, should have done so first but we didn't decided where to eat until we were on the road). Total was about 745 cals - if you ate the whole thing, which I didn't. But:

I also had a beer (100 cals). AND - we were SO hungry that I gave into temptation and we ordered a starter. SHOULD have just ordered a salad. But no, we went with our old favourite (and the cheapest item), the cheesy garlic toast. They gave us 4 large buns... and it turns out they are 760 calories EACH! Fuck! I ate 1.5. Shit man. So I ended up at about 3100 calories yesterday. Grrr.

However: I'm not going to let it bother me. I'm just going to make sure I do my two workouts this weekend, and really be careful about what I eat, leaning more towards the 2200 mark today and tomorrow.

I don't get to meet with B again until after I return from vacation - not until August 16th! SO I really have to stay focused.

Comments

2008-07-31T16:57:00.001-06:00

I didn't realize that I did not enable comments on this blog, btw, so I have no enabled. So please, comment at will!

Welcome...

2008-07-31T16:56:00.001-06:00

My good friend Crystal will be joining this blog as a contributor... she'll be posting her own experiences, advice, thoughts... So, welcome to Crystal!

And the verdict is....

2008-07-28T21:23:00.004-06:00

I LOVE B!

Wow, what a difference. She is so technical (as am I) and she never took her eyes off of me once during the workout. She actually took the time to explain every muscle group we were working, and what the benefits to strengthening said muscle group was. She is also extremely encouraging - there is no "if" about B. She is all "it WILL happen".

She is also not afraid to laugh at herself, or at me (like when I sadly informed her that I couldn't do a certain stretch because my fat was getting in the way...we both cracked up over that one: "are you serious?" she asked "abso-fucking-lutely" I replied, and we got hysterical)

She actually wants to work with me 3 times per week... but I had to kybosh that idea. I only paid for 12 (well, 14 really) sessions, and I need them to last at least 3 months. So we're meeting once more this week (Friday) since she's on holidays the next week, and I'm on holidays the week after that.

She set my calories at 2500, which is still a challenge, but she said between 2200-2500 (but warned me to aim for 2500). And so:

Today, for the first time in god-knows how many years, I ate non-low-fat yogurt. SO CREAMY. 160 calories (vs 35 in my low-cal stuff). I'm also allowed regular salad dressing (!!!!!!!!!!!) in small portions, regular mayo in even smaller portions, and lots of nuts and seeds. She's creating a meal plan for me (grocery list and all) this week.

And: Drum roll please:

I gave her my scale. It has been TORMENTING me, and I've been unable to get away from the daily or every 2 day weigh-ins. So I decided, FUCK IT. I'm going to trust my trainer, trust my body, and focus on strength and health.

Feeling much better today: So much so, that I'm posting this horribly embarrassing photo of me (taken just a minute ago, post workout, so excuse the red/purple face and sweat stains on my back I just burned 530 calories baby!). This is the official "Before" photo. The one I'll send to People magazine for their "They Lost Half Their Weight" special.

So, this is what having 3 kids in 5 years + a shameful love for Big Macs + sitting on your ass in a practice room for 6 years of University gets you: (I can't believe I'm posting these)

Once again - I encourage anyone who wants to join in this journey to post their experiences (not neccesarily your photos, I think I might be crazy to do that). Just send me a quick email and I'll add you as a contributer to the blog...

Or, just post in the comment section... Or just read and hopefully you'll find some kind of inspiration or at least a little humour in these posts...

Off to drink a gallon of water and enjoy some real yogurt!

Starting again

2008-07-26T10:15:00.003-06:00

Well, I met my new trainer "B" on Wednesday. She seems really nice. It's always hard to tell from the initial meeting. Our first workout is going to be on Monday, so I'll know more then. I was definitely more clear about my expectations and my challenges, and hopefully that will help.

However, I can tell you that since Wednesday, I've been having a really severe inner battle about all of this. It's been so hot out, and the idea of exercising in this heat has me very reluctant. I even went so far (in my head) to decide that I should put this off until the fall and start fresh then. Reasoning? 1) It's summer. I don't want to stress about this for the rest of my summer, including on my vacation (B said that she would plan me some workouts for my vacation, plus meal plans... how much fun is that?). 2) It's summer. It's hot (I HATE being hot). 3) My OCD brain likes certain times for starting projects. September is a huge starting point for me, thanks to 20 years of starting school in September. I'm GOOD at starting things in September.

Reasons not to wait? 1) I'll regret wasting an entire 5 weeks - 5 weeks x 2 lbs/ week = 10 lbs I could have lost. 2) I'll probably gain a few lbs too. 3) I may just find another excuse in September.

So, I sort of comprimised. I have stopped logging my food (with the blessing of B, at least temporarily until she figures out some meal plans etc for me), and though I'm still making efforts to make good choices, I will admit that I enjoyed a Big Mac last week, and we had pizza last night (albeit thin crust from Panago - only 150 cals per slice, love it).

AND! Drum roll please - last night I did one of my old workouts. Now, you have to understand, I've been swimming and walking, but I've been SO reluctant to do one of the workouts that L designed for me. Why? Because they're fucking hard and kick my ass. Even the earliest ones. B asked me to do 2 workouts before Monday... and so, last night, despite the oppressive heat and the pizza sitting heavily in my stomach, I somehow pushed through the million excuses my brain was offering me, and did it.

And it felt GREAT, even though I was sucking wind after 2 minutes and had to rest often to keep my heartrate (HR) within my zone. And, it was depressing to have to go back to 8lb weights (I was doing 10, 15 and 20 towards the end before I got preggo), and only 12 reps instead of 20, but I just kept reminding myself that in time, I'd get it back.

One really, really fabulous thing that I tacked onto the end of my workout: meditation. I sat my sore ass down on the stepper, and spent a full 2 minutes doing deep breathing. I pictured myself on skates (I'm DYING to get back on the ice), the feel of the ice beneath me, the crisp, cold air surrounding me, the amazing feeling of flying during a jump... and, I came up with a mantra.

I can change.
I CAN change.
I can CHANGE.

This is a really poignant mantra for me. I have long despaired that people cannot change. Many of my family members have been stuck in the same rut for decades. We're known to make the same mistakes over and over. Hell - look at my diary from when I was 10 years old: "I swear, this year I'm going to lose weight and be more tidy". 15 years old: "This is IT! This is the year that I'm going to lose weight, quit smoking, and keep my room clean for a change!"

Over, and over, and over again. For the record: I did not need to lose weight at 10 or at 15. In fact, I had a smoking-hot body until I was 20. Thank you, though, to those women (yes, it was women, not men) who convinced me that a size 10/12 was grossly obese. I'm sure I owe at least 30 lbs of this current fat to you, bitches!

WHEW where'd I go. Sorry 'bout that. Annnnnyhoo. Yeah, so I've always felt like I was never going to change. But then - I quit smoking. EVERYONE was shocked. For the record - I LOVE smoking. I know how insane that sounds. But I loved it. If it wasn't killing me, I would have smoked forever. But in Feb of 07, I started having really serious heart palpations. That's when I called Lindy for the first time, and I quit smoking the day of our first workout.

I've had a few since then - occasionaly while out with friends or something - but the urge to start has never really returned.

So I guess I can change. A little.

Well, one more workout to go (tomorrow) and then I meet with B on Monday. Went and bought Lili new skates today, and spent a few minutes looking longingly at the $600 pair that I'm going to buy once I get to that goal weight...

Luci needs me! Gotta run!

Time Out

2008-07-22T09:34:00.003-06:00

In case you're wondering - I've fallen off the wagon. Sort of. I am meeting with my new trainer tomorrow, and after some really stressful days (not eating enough because there just weren't enough healthy choices in the house, resulting in me feeling really crappy and low-energy), I have decided to give myself a break for a few days (Sunday, yesterday and today) and stop logging my food, stop worrying about it, stop killing myself trying to find time to work out.

Tomorrow is another day... and hopefully I'll be able to summon up enough enthusiasm to start this again with a fresh sense of purpose and determination.

Yesterday was a dark day - the scorching heat had lots to do with that I'm sure. I kept thinking to myself "why are you taking this on now? with all these kids to watch, a career change in the making...it's TOO MUCH". Today I'm feeling slightly better about it all.

Just gotta take it one day at a time.

All right, I'll update this tomorrow after I meet my new trainer "B".

But Dammit, I'm having McDonalds for lunch today.

Searching

2008-07-18T09:24:00.003-06:00

I'm searching for some inspiration here.

I'm having a lot of problems being motivated this time around. I'm eating well, (most of the time, yesterday being an exception, more on that later), but I just can't find the energy to work out!!!! I'm hoping the new trainer (we'll call her "B") will be able to get me excited and give me some new workouts.

I'm at that stage, though, where you feel that you have so far to go, it's almost not worth trying. And I tell myself all of the following truths:

1 - take it day by day
2 - time flies - 3 months will go by so quickly, and with it, if I try hard, 30 pounds.
3 - each week that passes, I will be fitter and fitter, and feel amazingly better

etc etc.

i can't help wondering if my current mental state (VERY distracted by trying to make a huge decision regarding my future career prospects) is keeping me from being able to focus.

so - yesterday! we took the kids to drumheller. i packed lots of healthy snacks, hoping to avoid the inevitable "chip urges" that come with travelling.

1st stop - gas station. ian goes in to pay... and comes back with a huge bag of chips. sigh. to my credit, the whole day, i only had about 10 chips.

anyways, the snacking wasn't an issue, but when lunch time came, things got really stressful really fast - the kids are fighting with eachother, luci is screaming to be fed... and ian's like "WHAT DO YOU WANT" so I finally just gave it (yes, easily I admit) and ordered a burger. A yummy, greasy burger. I go to sit down, and Ian brings the tray - with fries. He ordered me fries. Sigh. Once again I showed considerable restraint - I only at about 10 fries.

not great, but a big change from someone who used to order a big mac AND a cheeseburger AND large fries WITH mayo for dip.

end result - I actually made it to 2500 calories for the first time. too funny.

one bad thing - i haven't worked out in a long while. i do think that walking through a museum for 2.5 hours must count for something. but it's not the same, and i know it.

well, hopefully B will call today and we can meet soon, because i do feel like time is slipping away from me.

EEEK

2008-07-16T11:12:00.003-06:00

Ok, I did it, I emailed L and asked for a change in trainers. I have just spent too much money on this to be half-satisfied! I hesitated to do it because (contrary to popular belief) I hate to hurt someone's feelings, and there is a part of me as well that believes that it's up to me to make the best of a situation. Also that maybe I should have told her more clearly what I wanted and what was/wasn't working. However, the fact that I felt unable to tell her is partially why I feel I needed to change.

I feel SO guilty. Sheesh. Hello, guilt complex.

We shall see, waiting for an email back.

end of week 2 weigh-in

2008-07-16T10:39:00.003-06:00

as I suspected - 249. no change.

I'm not happy about it. I've never gone a week with no change before while doing this. And I can't figure out if it's because a) I'm eating too much (2100 calories - my average - feels like a LOT compared to 1600) or b) I'm not eating enough.

Either way, I'm not happy. It's been hard work to eat this healthy. I try and tell myself that it's doing me good whether I lose weight or not, but that's a hard sell when your ass looks like two over-inflated beach balls.

Today I'm supposed to meet with J to work out. I'm actually sort of dreading it, which is new to me. I normally love to work out with trainers. So maybe it is time to change.

So, tell me people, where's the fun in life now? I quit smoking (17 months and counting), rarely drink anymore (it makes me want to smoke), and now I can't even eat terrible, tasty food. Sigh.

Also - I'm feeling like crap because I didn't even meet J's goal. I didn't get in another swim or another walk this week. No time! This week Ian was working 4 out of the 7 days (plus one full day of sleeping added to that). With Luci not napping during the day much, it's super-hard to do this! I could have gone swimming at 7am this morning, but the kids were up with nightmares last night (blasted lightening) and I didn't get to sleep until close to 3, only to awakened at 4 for a feeding that lasted an hour. So, no go.

It also feels like J has little-to-no confidence in me. I'm just another fat housewife. The fact is, asking me to do 2 walks and 2 swims in one week is a cop-out for me. I can (when I have the time) do so much more than that.

Time to change. God willing, this week will bring better results.

2250

2008-07-15T23:31:00.002-06:00

2250 - the number of calories I burned between 11am this morning and 11pm this evening.
2135 - the number of calories I managed to consume today, despite trying super-hard to eat more.
2500-2900 - the number of calories I'm supposed to consume each day.

And no, I didn't work out today. I was hoping to get my 2nd walk in, but Ian slept late and there was no time. So, tomorrow I'll be hitting the pool AND working out with J. Fun.

Anyways, I'm frustrated. I need (apparently) to eat more calories. The problem is, to be frank, I don't know how many more healthy calories I can stand to take in. Maybe I'll start having a few hard-boiled eggs each day. I'm eating a ton of nuts and seeds. Chicken every day. My fiber intake is great - almost double what is recommended (who knew?). I just need more protein. Hmmm I think perhaps a protein bar is in order. An easy 400 cals. (Thanks for the suggestion, Heidi!).

Tomorrow is my weekly weigh-in. I'm not optimistic. I suspect that because I haven't been consuming enough calories, my weight will not have changed. Isn't that great? It's the whole, "if you don't feed your body enough, it will think you're starving yourself and start conserving fat" idea.

Seriously, I have to tell you all, the temptation to go and eat a Big Mac in order to get my calories up is very tempting. Except, of course, the fact that I'm not just trying to lose weight, I'm trying to avoid a heart attack too. As it is, I'm already allowing myself to go out each Saturday and have a fast-food burger - with a salad though. No fries. Those fries, ladies, are far worse than the burger:

Did you know? There are more calories in an order of Large Fries from McDonalds (570) than there are in a Big Mac (540)??????????

Also - did you know that the "Market Sandwiches" from Arby's are loaded in calories? Roast Turkey & Swiss - 670 calories!!!!! I kid you not. I can't tell you how many times I ordered that, thinking that I was making a good choice. 29 grams of fat too - and 1570g of sodium!!! That's insanity. You're far better off getting a regular Roast Beef sandwich, at 330 calories and 13 grams of fat.

All right, now I'm totally hungry. Sheesh. Bring on the Kellogs All-Bran Cinnamon bites (SUPER good, I'm very surprised, and loaded with fibre)

Week 2 Workouts (in progress, will update)

2008-07-14T11:51:00.000-06:00

Wednesday: Workout #2 with J
Thursday: DWW
Friday: Walk (30 minutes, 300 calories) plus core
Monday: DWW

Comments:
* workout with J was good - not that happy about being sweaty and purple-faced in front of my neighbors, but I did feed at least a million mosquitos! My good deed for the day. Like working out in the fresh-air, as long as there is a breeze, cause I HATE being hot.

* walk was good, but it's really hard to walk for longer than 30 minutes! especially with a 2 month old who insists on waking up and crying every 5 minutes. note to self: change music on ipod.

* DWW - really good workout, getting tired of swimming with a bunch of fat, old people though. wish more young people knew what a great workout this could be! also wish they would offer a "gentle" class and a hardcore class. i'm tired of pushing people out of my way so that i can move more than .5km/hr.

Week 1 Workouts

2008-07-14T11:47:00.001-06:00

Tuesday: 1st session with J
rest of week: injured :(
Monday: Deep Water Workout (am)

Comments:

*Not happy that I was unable to do more. Also not happy that I didn't warm up before attempting a billion (yes, that's exactly how many it felt like) squats and lunges.

*Very happy that I was able to do more than 50 crunches on the ball. Yay abs! When I first met L, I could do 12...

*DDW was ok. Class was packed (18) and as usual I had to fight my way through many chatty old ladies in order to actually get a workout. Remember now - DDW is only as good as you make it - you have to create your level of resistance and determine how hard you really want to work. Feel great afterwards - swimming at 8am (I missed the 7am class because Ian got a late call and didn't get home until 7) is actually a great way to start the day.

Stats

2008-07-14T11:36:00.001-06:00

Here are some stats:

Day 1:
Weight: 255 lbs
Bust: 55.25 inches
Abdomon: 55.75 inches
Hips: 53.50 inches
Bicep: 16.5 inches
Calf: 16 inches
Thigh: 30.5 inches

(note - we're only checking the measurements every 4 weeks at the most)

Day 8:
Weight: 249 lbs

Goals set:
1 - drink more water (glass of water before every pop - I'm a diet-pepsi junkie)
2 - healthier snacks at night
3 - lose 30 lbs in 3 months
4 - lose 50 lbs in 6 months
5 - lose 75 lbs in 9 months
6 - lose 76-100 lbs in 12 months

Final goal weight - between 170 - 155 lbs. (For the record - when I was a competative figure skater, in the best shape of my life at 16 years old, I weighed 145 lbs)

Rewards planned:
1 - when I reach 237 (the weight I was when I first met Lindy and started this program in Feb 08) -> hairstyle (cut, highlites and style), manicure and pedicure!
2 - when I reach 214 (the weight I was when I got pregnant) -> as above, plus a massage, facial... a full spa day!
3 - when I reach 199 (first time below 200 since I turned 20) -> new skates! I haven't been on skates in decade, and I'm dying to get out there with my kids...new skates are about $500 so this is a huge incentive!
4 - when I reach 175 -> Weekend getaway with the girlfriends!!!!!! Plus NEW wardrobe.

Day 10

2008-07-14T09:38:00.001-06:00

I kind of wish I had started this a few weeks ago, but here it is.

In the last few days, I've been having a mental battle with myself. As I argued (yes, with myself) back and forth, I realized that maybe by putting my thoughts down on "paper" (read: this blog), I would a) be accountable to someone, even if it is random readers and those select few friends that I tell about this blog and b) hopefully be able to look back at it in a year and see a journey of growth and power and strength. Potentially, even c) be able to share this with other Fat Moms who are sitting on their fat asses wondering how they got this way and how the hell they can fix it.

Yes, I said fat asses. One thing I've promised myself, I'm going to be totally honest (brutally so, at times) on this blog. Reason being - when you're fat, your life is full of justifications, PC bullshit (read: "large", "plus-sized", "well-padded" etc etc) and people who tip-toe around the fact that you're fat.

I appreciate it, but it's like giving a drug addict money for "food". You're not helping. I love you for it, but mostly I've been living in denial for 10 years, because my wonderful and loving friends and family have accepted me for who I am and what I look like.

Seriously, how fantastic is that! I consider(ed) myself so lucky. Problem is, that really helped me just ignore the growing (excuse the pun) problem of my weight.

And so now, at 30, I want to start a new chapter in my life. Fuck, I want to start a new book! I'm at a definite turning point - I've just had my last child (she's 2 months old), and I'm staring at the possibility of an entirely new career once I'm done my maternity leave.

It's time. It's TIME people! Enough excuses, enough denial.

So - here's where we are so far:

I've hired a personal trainer and nutritionist - her name is J. Those of you who know me, know that I did this last year too - in Feb of 08. Her name was L (owner of the company) and she was FANASTIC. I was inspired and dedicated for 5 months, and lost 30lbs. Then, I moved. Such a little thing, but it through me completely off track (ok, I LET it throw me off track). At the same time, she got a new position at a company called Preventous, and so she was not as available as she had been. Add to that that I got pregnant, and I used that as the perfect excuse to stop excercising and eat crap again. (I was advised by my Dr to stop working out for the first 3-4 months as I was having some fainting issues... but after that, it was pure laziness).

Annnnnnd, here we are, 11 months later, and 41 lbs heavier. I gained 52 lbs with my pregnancy. I lost 11 (ok, actually I lost 15 and then gained 4) after the birth. As of July 1, I weighed 255 lbs.

People, I'm only 5'3".

Suddenly, the arthritis in my feet was back. Suddenly, I didn't want to go for walks with my kids. Suddenly, working out was such a distant memory, I couldn't even picture myself doing it.

Add to that the fact that all the hard work I'd done with L (I was working out 6 days/week) was destroyed... how hard is that to face? Mentally, I was beating myself up every day. Don't forget, I'd spent over a thousand dollars of our hard-earned money, and now it seemed that I'd flushed it down the toilet. Or down my throat, anyways.

I'm a woman of action though. I can tell you, I don't sit around on my couch all day. I barely sit down at all in a day, except for when I'm nursing. And chasing after my 3 kids (ok, I'm not chasing after Luci just yet, but I am carrying her everywhere whilst chasing the others), PLUS the 3 kids I watch full time... well, it's motherf'ing HARD to do that when you're 255 lbs and depressed.

So, once the requisite 6 weeks was up, I swallowed my pride (how proud can a 255 lb woman be, really?) and emailed Lindy for help.

She was great - and responded immediately. She, unfortunately, is far too busy to be my trainer (the woman owns two businesses and works full time at another, plus has 3 kids under the age of 7, did I mention she's my hero?) but has a staff of consultants. She promised that one of them would contact me asap.

2 minutes later, my phone rang, and I met J. We agreed to meet a few days later, and discuss my goals.

Long story short, we met and I signed up for the "Lifestyle" package again. Another serious investment. We talked about some short-term goals, and some tricks to make snacking easier. Then, we did a quick fitness test (where I injured my quad pretty quick, no warm up, silly me), and some core stuff. I was devestated to find that it took me about 30 seconds to be out of breath. Grrr. All that hard work I'd done... I was pleased to find, however, that my abs were in decent shape still. (Yay, childbirth). They were just buried under dozens of pounds of pure fat!

So, after our first session, I was excited but depressed - because I'd injured myself. I couldn't even stand up the next day, and it took me about 5 days to recover. So much for starting with a bang - I actually had to do nothing the first week. Ok, I managed to get one swim session in. (Short interuption here - there would have been 2 swim sessions, but after dragging myself reluctantly to the pool one evening, I arrived to a sign saying that the pool had cancelled Mon/Wed evening classes for the summer... which is a serious inconvenience to me, as I rely on swimming quite a bit... more on that later).

Second session with J - we worked outside.

Now, let me tell you something. Clearly, J has never been overweight a day in her life. Otherwise, there is no way that she would ask an obese woman to go outside in her workout clothes and do a full workout in plain view of all of her neighbors. Seriously. I was able to shut it out of my mind after the first 10 minutes (with much effort), but it was still rather uncomfortable. Or maybe that was just the 80 million mosquitos that were eating me alive.

Despite my discomfort, it was actually a pretty good workout. My only complaint (LOL ok, one of my many complaints) is that it used a lot of equipment that she brought, which I don't own, so it's not a workout I can do on my own.

Which she doesn't expect me to do. I'm finding her expectations of me quite low - she wants me to walk 2x, and swim 1x, plus our workout each week. That's nothing! I'm capable of so much more... but the temptation to just meet her expectations is great. Understand, to me, meeting expectations is a cop-out, most of the time. I prefer to exceed expectations. Yet another story...

Ok, I'm trying to catch up to where we are today... and WHY we're here today.

The fact is, I had a terrible week. Psychologically, I'm really struggling to be excited about all of this. I know why - because I've done it. I don't like repeating myself (no-one to blame but myself there). I'm also struggling with J herself - I'm not sure that we're a good match. She's very young, very perfect, always with perfect hair and perfect makeup... she has no kids... I just don't think she can understand how I got here. I never thought that was important... but it really is. When we're working out, I sense that she's looking through me, not at me. I'm just another fat client. And I feel that her expectations of me are very low. And this week, as a result, I let myself slack off. After all, she's expecting me to fail... I'm just another lazy, fat mom.

I'm sure that's not the case, but it's how I'm perceiving it. Because she has no kids, also, I find that her expectations are not entirely realistic. I can't just NOT take my kids out for a slurpee ever again. They are not going to switch to whole grain bread with a smile on their faces. And I don't have 4 hours a week to prep foods, sorry...

SO, I might look into asking L for someone else.

The other issue we're having is deciding on the number of calories I should consume. Before I was pregnant/nursing, with Lindy, I was aiming for about 1600 calories per day. This enabled me to lose 1-2 lbs per week. At first J wanted me to eat about 2100 calories, which I did for the first week, and lost 6 lbs (the first week is always a big loss). Then she re-calculated, and based on my weight and the fact that I'm nursing, she wants me between 2500-2900.

I can't do it! Well, I can, but the temptation to eat crappy foods to fill up those calories is huge. I just can't imagine stomaching 2900 in healthy calories every day. And I didn't - this week, I ended up eating more crap than usual, because I felt I had the calories "to spare". And of course, I felt like shit about it, even though I'm still well within the calorie range (haven't yet reached 2500 even, not even for one day).

So I don't know what to do about it. And to be totally honest, I've been weighing myself (a HUGE bad habit that I vow to rid myself of this next week), and suddenly, I'm back up 2.5 lbs.

Because of that, the evil Mary in my brain starts hinting that maybe this is not worth it. Since it's obviously not working (after 2 weeks, no less), I should just quit, and go back to living in denial. Cause THAT was working oh so well, right? I realized this morning that although I've been choosing NOT to listen to this evil-Mary voice, I haven't been replacing it with anything positive either. Just silence. Which leaves me feeling pretty empty and uninspired, to be honest.

I'm not the best at positive thinking. "The Power of Positive Thinking"... it's a hard thing for a cynic like myself to subscribe to. I've always though "just because I think/say it, does not make it so"....

But the negative thinking... that's like having termites inside of your brain, eating away at all of the confidence that you have in yourself and what you're doing, not to mention why you're doing what you're doing.

That's when I decided to start this blog. Because I'm sure that it's the termites that screw this up for most women. Maybe, just maybe, if I can find a way to conquer them, I can help someone else conquer them.

So, I share with you my journey. I have to succeed - I've invested too much not to. Not just financially - I've invested too much in my family to die of heart disease at 35 or 40. Feel free to comment however you wish. And if you (or someone you know) wants to start their own journey, wants to go from Fat Mom to Fit Mom, or Fat Wife to Fit Wife, or Fat Friend to Fit Friend... well, I'm willing to open up this blog so that they can post their journey too. Just send me a message.

Gotta run, an apple in the fridge has my name on it...